Fiercely: Wrecked

It came out of nowhere. An endless stream of ugly face tears pouring profusely from my eyes, saturated to the point of fogginess. Simply enough. I wept and boy did I weep hard.

It all began while we were still in Guatemala. God began to reveal things to me thru words and visions from others around me on my team and people I met while in Antigua. Everything summed up to a major theme of two main things. Mourning and lamenting. The weeping prophet. What in the world does it even mean? Where do I even begin with trying to understand any of it and what does mourning and lamenting really look like? Questions that would soon be answered later on in ways I didn’t expect or was even ready for.

Matthew chapter 5, specifically focusing on the beatitudes, became a major theme for me during this time because what was spoken over me during one of the worship room sessions was verse 4 of chapter 5.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”.

How do I respond to that? What am I supposed to mourn? What loss, if any, am I suppose to mourn? That wasn’t even the beginning of it. It started with my team then all of sudden people I barely know are speaking this over me. Alright God I have no idea what this mourning and lamenting thing looks like but apparently its important enough that you’re making it extra clear by communicating it to me in a way that’s blatantly obvious, so with that I trust you. What does it mean? What does it look like? Either way I am yours.

Later on in the month, before we prepared for training/debrief, it hits me. It hits hard. It’s difficult to explain in words what was happening within me except that it’s like my heart shattered or softened to the point where I became super emotional but not in an unhealthy uncontrollable type of way. More like I was being walked thru each emotion and being shown how to properly sit in it while being told it’s okay to feel it and letting it wash over me type of way. I simply just wept. That’s the best way I can describe it.

I was being shown what it means to mourn and what it looks like and just wept constantly but yet it felt good. Like it was necessary to go thru this process instead of trying to suppress and dismiss it as weakness or something or even wanting to deal with it in the first place. It’s almost as if mourning is something good that we must go thru to truly process and heal to it’s fullest extent. I actually began to enjoy weeping over every moment God brought before me because I felt Him there with me in it comforting me at the same time and I felt…free. A sense of peace even.

During debrief it intensifies tenfold. I fast for about 5 days or so leading up to my freedom session, which basically is an extensive healing session meant to break free of any and all forms of bondage I still had in my life, and during this time God is utterly wrecking me. Preparing me for whats to come. I’m done and fed up with all the mental and spiritual crap attempting to weigh me down with so many lies by telling me I’m not worthy, not good enough, what I say doesn’t matter, etc. No, this was war and I’m taking back ground in which I allowed the enemy to occupy long enough!

After the freedom session it’s as if I’m on a different plane entirely. My sense of awareness has heighten into deeper depths as I can tangible feel the vastness around me. Like when your swimming in a really deep Olympic style pool or ocean even and you are literally surrounded by all this water realizing how small you are in this vast seemingly endless space. Terrified, yet left in utter awe. That’s how it felt in that moment as God unlocked a new sense of awareness around me. I wasn’t ready. Still not totally ready but I am willing to embark on this journey seeing where the Father takes me.

Fierce. This is who I am, what the Father says about me. A force to be reckoned with and yet…I’m being fiercely wrecked.

(This is just the beginning. It started in Guatemala and now I’m in the Dominican Republic so a lot has happened since this moment. To be continued…)