Something is Brewing; Something is Stirring

   Here we are finally nestled in our warm welcoming adobe in the midst of South East Asia. After about a week or so of hustling and bustling moving and going between different locations we finally made it to our anchored destination. We will be here for the next 3 weeks or so partnered with our local host and God anticipating whats next; ready to mobilize and move out into these crowded streets to see what our mission at hand is and to see what our Father is up to. Well…so we thought.

   It’s funny how most of our expectations, aspirations, visions, dreams, plans, etc. don’t always pan out the way we hoped or foreseen. At some point one may wonder what’s the point in the first place since you’re most likely to be met with disappointment of some form at some point down the road. Maybe having no expectation can at least soften the sudden blow of inevitable hurt you’re bound to experience at some point in time. The real challenge though is figuring out how to properly respond when the unexpected comes crashing down, overwhelming you in a cascading flood of emotions where you have no time or space to process within the moment so they’re left to linger till another day.

   For all of you reading, this is my current process my current response. It may seem heavy and some what melancholy but bare with me for I’m still trying to walk through these past few days and series of events that’s affecting the whole world right now so by no means are my intentions selfish but I do intend to be real and vulnerable expressing myself wholly and true. Not masking, suppressing, or acting all is well when it really isn’t. I know myself all too well that I’m choosing to be vulnerable enough as to invite all of you into this process with me instead of suppressing and bottling these things inside, as I seek the Peace of God that surpasses all understanding with the hopes of a brighter future. It’s easy to be in denial, its easy to bottle up the truth of how you feel, and its even easier to put on a mask. Welcome to my mind, my heart and my reality. May God steadily guide everything else with wisdom, discernment and discretion.

   The room is silent. You can sense the heaviness in the air. Is what I just read real? As I go over the message again I’m met with denial. It can’t be true but indeed it was true. We were being sent back home since the virus was spreading rapidly, borders were closing all around us, and the world was reflecting a state of panic. We had no choice but to go home or else be stuck somewhere with little to no good healthcare system. The day our team was suppose to rest we instead spent the whole day booking transportation back to our landing point to rendezvous with the rest of the squad where we would finally fly back home. So, my team awaits at the bus stop barely missing the bus but we got on and curled up into our sleeper beds. We lie there with just our thoughts, being tortured by the slow dwindling time for the next 13 hours. The only thing to do is sleep since its the only way get my mind off things even if for a little while. So, I drift off into an in and out slumber eventually arriving at our destination. A 20 minute uber ride later then…we’re there. Staring at the place where it all began except now…it’s where it would end.

   It’s everywhere you look. Puffy wet eyes as people try to keep their whirl of emotions at bay in the midst of the shell-shocked reality at hand. Faces of uncertainty with the journey that lies ahead. Closure that may not be as close as some may hope. At least before my team left we spent our final day with our host being intentional with our time with them exploring the rest of the city before we said our farewells and were on our way. That Monday, the 16th, we were to begin our work for the next 3 weeks. Everything was planned out, set in stone, good to go from work, to travel to the next country. Oh how we had it all planned out. Or so we thought. Yet here we are awkwardly asking each other how we’re doing even though we all knew the real answer. None of us are okay at the moment. It’s too soon to be back home. Especially in the state that it’s in. As one of my squad mates said “home isn’t home” it’s not the same as we left it. I honestly thought to myself that we were better off where we were but in the midst of everything all we can do is trust our leadership that everything was in our best interest and they did a phenomenal job getting everyone back home safe and sound so shout out to AIM y’all are the MVP’s in the midst of a world wide crisis! After two flights we make it to NYC and things just seem to fade with the increase of rules and suggestions. We can’t even have a proper farewell or debrief because of the limit on how many people can be around each other. This is an outrage! So much for closure… The morning comes. We see who we can see, hug who we can hug and that’s it. Final shuttle call to the airport and me and one other squad mate hop on leaving our family behind with hopes that we will see their wonderful faces once again and finish this race strong soon.  

   It’s just me and another squad mate. JFK airport, once famous and busy now obscure and desolate. Not a soul except security whom just waves us thru no problems. It’s sad. Overwhelming that the city that never sleeps is finally at rest. Not in the best way either. My friend creates a time lapse video of our journey to our terminal gate and I swear I saw a tumble weed. As we board our plane the staff practices “social distancing” by shuffling other people to empty rows as a precaution. Wow. The reality slowly begins to creep up. I shove it back down refusing to accept it. This is nuts; ridiculous. As I sit close to my friend and converse till we land I’m met with demise as my next flight home was cancelled. We say our farewells as we go our separate ways and there it is again that feeling. That heart wrenching feeling. No not now…I got to figure out a way to get home. The last place I want to be. As I push my feelings down so I can focus and not be overwhelmed I find another flight, delayed but it gets me closer to home. I arrive in Dallas and again met with demise. Dallas/Fort Worth to Little Rock…Cancelled. AGGGHHHH!!! God I’m just trying to get home. My stomach has been upset this whole time. So from fighting that, my feelings, natural phenomenon, cancellations, lack of sleep, and things outside my control I’m done. God I’m done. I got another flight but I got less than 10 minutes to run from Terminal A to Terminal B where my flight home is. It’s the last flight to Little Rock till morning I will not miss it! I booked it scurrying along getting on the sky train, just two stops, then I ran to my gate. “Last call for flight to Little Rock”. I dove to scanner…beep…whew…made it! With not much time to spare. Thank you Lord! *Deep breathe*. As I settle into my seat I look out the window into a dreary night sky. Next stop. Home.

   It’s hard being home. I really don’t want to be here at all. I’d rather at least be with a few of my squad mates. Making the most of this time with each other, laughing, getting to know each other more, being intentional with this time, having our own A.T.L. adventure etc. I’m not by no means discrediting the time I have with my parents and I know they are here supporting, loving and helping out the best they can in this moment and I love them for that but it’s too much right now. I left isolation not to come back to it. (Not that home was isolating I’m referring more to my default response during conflicting moments within myself; again I have the greatest most supportive parents anyone could ask for so this has nothing to do with or even against them.) It’s worse now though since the country itself has a recommended 14 day self quarantine. Are you kidding me? The rebellious nature inside me screams to do the opposite to mock this as complete ridiculousness. But is that the right response? Is it insensitive of me? Should I “respect” this regardless of how I truly feel or think about it? It’s not like I can leave even if i wanted to…I can’t drive…legally at least. I’m conflicted; I’m torn. My slumbers are met with sneaky lies. Thoughts and fears of being forgotten, being left out, being overlooked and not invited to anything that comes up. My eagerness yearns as I keep looking at our group messages waiting for an invitation to embark on a journey into the unknown. Nothing but a band of misfits, an old clunker, pocket change and utter dependence on God going wherever He leads receiving whatever He provides. Ah yes now that’s the life. There’s not much I have left so what’s left to lose? I’ve already surrendered and sacrificed a lot to be on the race what more since I’m home? It’s weird though. I see the panic on peoples faces. This isn’t home. God what have you brought me back to? I have full belief, faith and hope that we will re-launch and finish our journey across the world. The issue is when though. With the possible “if” but even that thought is too much too soon. I’m predicting a couple months no later than June but that’s a long time from now. What about work, money, a temporary life etc. This state of limbo in the unknown is maddening but lets just pause right here. What has God revealed to me so far in the midst of all this?

   Something is brewing; something is stirring. As we’re on the rooftop praying and worshiping God while trying to cope with the turn of events He began to stir my soul. (So what if we’re going home. Who cares. If that’s where we’re needed right now then so be it. God’s calling all of His children home because home needs us more than the world needs us at this moment. Walk thru your feelings they’re real so feel them don’t ignore them. The race is not over when we get home. Most of us gave up and sacrificed everything to be here so it’s almost cruel for Him not to bring us back but even then let us keep that willing yes in our spirit. It’s all according to His will and the sovereignty of who He is. Home is broken so let’s be the ones to go back and heal it. Home is dark so lets be the ones to go back and light it. Let’s remind everyone back home who our God is. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The God who splits seas and moves mountains. The God who brings calamity for the sake of His people to repent of their wicked ways turning back to the One who loves them most. He is not cruel He is good. He is faithful He is righteous. He is sovereign. He is creator of all things the One who gave you the very breath you breathe. Nothing is too small or too big for Him to do but all things will come to pass according to the sovereignty of His will and glory.) This spirit of zealousness is stirring within me and I know if left untamed and properly disciplined that it can be a loose cannon doing more harm than good. I’ve kept it caged for a long time uncertain how to deal with it for its both great yet damaging if kept unchecked. What if I’m meant to let it loose regardless? I mean Peter didn’t hold back who he was and did crazy stuff that Jesus shook His head and was like no Peter that’s not what I meant and yet still used him as the foundation of His church. For now, it is left in the hands of God where it is best left. The flesh vs. the spirit rages within. Do I fear God or do I fear man. The answer should be obvious and yet I’m conflicted; I’m torn. 

   As we’re on the rooftop praising God I look around the city. I see people of all ages coming out onto their rooftops seeing what all the ruckus is as we worshiped. They may not realize it but in that moment they witnessed something great. Something that will reverberate across time. Something called revival. Even though we were conflicted; wrestling with God about the recent news we received in the depths of our hearts. They had no idea. All they saw was a group of people on a roof top singing songs about this God of miracles, the Way Maker, the one in which we raise a hallelujah, The Great I AM. What these people bore witness to unknowingly was a spark of the unashamed risking praising God openly in a hostile place that isn’t fond of what we do. What they saw is a light growing brighter and brighter in a spiritually dark place. What they saw was God laying claim to that rooftop for all His promises are yes and amen. They witnessed a miracle in the making. Their hearts were being changed in that moment since curiosity grabbed hold of their interest to see what was happening on that rooftop. This city; this country has no idea whats coming regardless how stubborn they may be. Our God is the God of wonder and boy is something wondrous rising. It’s funny actually that the most empowering moment, outside what Jesus did, that led to where we are today began in the upper room. 

“When they had entered the city, they went up to the upper room where they were staying…When the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. And suddenly there came from heaven a noise like a violent rushing wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting. And there appeared to them tongues as of fire distributing themselves, and they rested on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit was giving them utterance.”–Acts 1:13;2:1-4.

   As I sit here in my room, processing as I type this, backspacing the things that are a bit too much while listening to My Epic and Everything In Slow Motion on repeat. I’m gradually reminded. Reminded of everyone I’ve met along the way this past year leading up to me leaving. Seeing where they were and where they are now. How much they have grown and matured. Seeing how much their life has changed in just a few months. Realizing how grateful I am to have met them and how excitingly proud I am to see them prospering in their own way. In spite of whats going on it encourages me to see the smiles and laughs of those around me. Even though I feel some type of way personally and my preferences aren’t exactly what I would like them to be at the moment I’m reminded…It’s okay. If this is where God needs me at the moment then who am I to complain and get all worked up because things aren’t how I want them to be? His ways are greater than mine. If I’m supposed to reflect His goodness and everything that He represents then I should be content with what and wherever He does and sends me. I’m His vessel open and willing to do whats necessary. Why am I so fearful and discontent being home? What I have learned and witnessed these past few months should be enough for me to stand confidently in God’s truth and promises on whats to come. So woe to me!

   As the virus spreads across the globe and borders are closed. As panic and uncertainty fester. As businesses struggle to operate and many are sent home. As toilet paper is hoarded and the stock market crashes. As the world goes silent and wildlife encroaches into the empty streets. As God brings thousands of His people from around the world back home, a fading light has now been rekindled. What was meant for despair shall turn into peace. What was meant to spread fear shall bring forth joy. What was meant for death shall bring forth life. If it took a global pandemic to bring all the missionaries back home then there’s defiantly something more to this. Only God knows and yet He’s been warning us this whole time. Just how many of us have actually been paying attention?  Something is brewing; something is stirring.  

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”–Genesis 50:20 

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long;we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”–Romans 8:31-39

FYI: I lost my phone this past month so I lost all my photos, videos, etc. So sad! So here’s a pic I “borrowed” from my team mate Lauren Munson so photo cred goes to her lol. Had to throw in a happy pic in here to lighten up the mood a little and yes that’s the Taj. You’re welcome!