Let me take a moment and try to be vulnerable. To paint a vivid picture of my story and more so of the reasoning of why I’m truly embarking on this journey that I know for a fact that God has allowed me to venture on.
Ever since I was young and came to a point to acknowledge that there was something out there beyond me, beyond my understanding as I would gaze into the depths of the vastness of space. Admiring the still quietness of what laid before me I felt small, inadequate, fearful of the vast unknown, but at the same time I was surrounded in wonder, splendor, and endless sensation of possibility. I’ve always had this sense that there was something out there in the grand vastness of creation spreading across the mass expanse of the universe watching me, guiding me, protecting me. Once I acknowledged this and after learning whom or what it was I for some reason seemed at ease. Going with the flow of life not worried too much about the minuscule things. Now of course throughout my life I have experienced fear, anxiety, depression, uncertainty and everything that ties into the negative emotions of fear but even with that I knew. I’ve always known even without truly knowing that there was no reason to worry no reason to fear even if the world told me to, even if my emotions would gravitate toward such ideas, i knew better.
Now I’m not saying that I had this special connection with God and the unknown and that I’ve been separated to a higher form of favor no that’s not true in any form I’m human and go thru the everyday struggles that everybody goes thru. I guess what I’m trying to say is that once I acknowledged that something more existed out there, was for me and not against me, I became okay and comforted in that. Even if I never truly knew what that was or ever learned more than that, I was certain that I was fine. The unknown is too vast, too mysterious and too much for us to get so wrapped up in it creates uncertainty and we get caught up with not knowing that we lose sight that we were already known and already chosen from the beginning so it doesn’t matter how much we know and don’t know about the mysteries of the universe all we need to know, that even in the midst of it all, God is there and always has; always will be.
Forgive me for I have a habit of getting caught up in the moment of going on different trails of topics so bear with me. The point I’m trying to get at is that during my initial moment of awe and wonder. Being consumed by both fear and peace I’ve lost that sense of innocence throughout time. It’s been stolen from me. Buried and replaced with uncertainty. A sense of purposelessness. Loneliness and passive complacency has begun to govern my life as dreams, passions and visions begun to fade I drifted into the blank quietness of the unknown not surrounded in wonder but instead a sense of ‘why bother it doesn’t matter anyway’. Of course I know these all to be lies, distractions, and illusions to distract me and take me off course of the grand wondrous journey and purpose that God has placed me on but sometimes it feels as if He’s not there anymore watching me, guiding me, protecting me like He did in the beginning. I know He’s still here and doing all those things but sometimes I get consumed in the lies and have to fight twice as hard to get out of the funk. Sometimes it would be nice to hear the voice of the Father or see He’s outstretched hand to grab me and pull me out of darkness, to feel His warm embrace when I feel like all is loss and don’t care anymore. Is that too much to ask? Why must I constantly have to rely upon just faith that He’s all that He says He is? I don’t need miracles or these special moments of seeing, hearing, or feeling Him to increase my faith or make me believe He’s real, no, I have plenty of solid certainties to solidify my faith and trust in Him. I acknowledge Him for who He is because I know He’s real or else I wouldn’t be where I’m at today but is it too hard or too much to ask for something tangible just because? Especially while we’re adrift in the uncertainties of life, when our light finally fades regardless how hard we tried to keep it lit. Sometimes all I want is an actual embrace or sign that He’s there, actually there. Faith and hope is cool and all but is that too hard to accomplish? Is my faith not enough to be deemed worthy to experience some portion of His tangible presence? Do I have to suffer as Job suffered? Be so faithful and bold as Elijah? Be as genuine and vulnerable as David? I know I’m not perfect and seemingly undeserving in some cases but I also know that regardless of all that I’m seen as deserving that I am valuable that I am loved and cherished so on and so forth. This as been proven throughout my life. I am enough. We all are enough so is just a small request of a pat on the head, a hug, a “you’re doing well my child” too much?
I’m not the greatest person to proclaim and exemplify the life of Jesus but I do try. I do put forth the effort and am genuine when I do. I’m not one to sugar coat anything or give off this false sense of the typical Sunday morning mask. No, you’re going to get me, the real me, all of me. The beautiful and the ugly. The radiant life giving positive light and the destructive isolated darkness. There’s no point to hide who I am or even my struggles. This is who I am. But who God see’s and calls me to be is even greater but I guess I’m afraid to see that version of me truly manifest for doing so means all eyes will be on me and I don’t want everyone to see me weak and feeble. Uncertain and contradicting.
When I was young I was full of energy excited about the unknown and the adventure at hand. To embark into the wilderness into the vastness of the imagination exploring every inch of wonder seeing where it would take me. Wondering what life is like in the emptiness of space. Today I am fading holding to the little bit of innocence that’s left from what the world and daily life of adulthood has robbed from me.
God I know you are there and I know you are with me every step of the way even if I forget and don’t call upon you everyday just please restore my innocence and that spark of wonder I once had. That sense of awe when ever I would gaze into the vastness of Your endless splendor. Whatever happened to me I ask that you restore me, renew me form the inside out and rekindle this faded flame that was warm and oh so bright that encouraged and stood as a beckon of life and inspiration to others. Let these words reach who ever needs them reminding them that they’re not alone, I’m not alone, in how we feel. That no matter what, even when we feel or think all is lost and forgotten you come to our side and remind us how false that thought is. That you’re there in the midst of everything even during our darkest moments encouraging us reminding us that we are cherished and dearly loved. Thank you Jesus, my Lord, for pulling me out of the hands of corruption and placing me in the hands of truth, life and comfort. I need you. We need you everyday even when we don’t feel like coming to you give us the strength to at least say your name if nothing else. I love you my Lord. And thank you for this opportunity to reach those who do not yet know you and I’m excited to see what you will do on this journey to come as we travel across the globe to show the rest of your people that you are real and here now. Wanting to show them their true purpose in life and that their labor is in vain no more.
Life is precious and wonderful. We just have to wipe away the grime that blinds us to see that. I love all of you even if I don’t know you. It will be okay just hold-fast and know that you are not alone. I need this just as mush as you do but one thing I’ve learned to be true is that we can not to life alone. So, be blessed and please contact me if you need anything even if you just want to talk I’m always pleased to be a shoulder to help comfort those in need. May the Lord be with you and provide you with all your needs.
“Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.” Psalms 51:12
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalms 139:23&24
