From Coattails to Freedom

I’m cold, worn, beaten and tattered. My feet hurt, and my hips are screaming with fiery agony with every step. No matter how much weight I ditch or what position my pack is shifted to; something inevitably hurts. And yet, no matter how much physical pain, mental struggle or emotional weariness I have there’s no turning back because…the only way is forward.

 During this trek through the vast, beautiful, and unrelenting mountains of Georgia(the country not the state) God came thru and revealed Himself on multiple occasions and in different forms. There wasn’t a day, out of the ten days we were out in the wilderness, that He didn’t provide some sort of meal, besides dinner, and right at the very moment we needed it most. He gave us a couple confirmations that the decision and direction to move forward was correct by providing and answering the prayer of one of our squad leaders for the provision of watermelons! He, on multiple occasions, relieved and sustained my pain especially during the hardest most trying parts of the trek.

So on, and so forth He faithfully came thru with impeccable timing and a surmountable expanse of grace and joy. I can sit here and talk about the Atsunta Pass with its gradual incline that didn’t stop until we were practically climbing this mountain with it’s trying switch backs that seemed unending and how all of us pressed forward and conquered that son of a gun while bellowing out a war cry of victory once reaching the top but I feel as if this story needs to go in another direction. One that, ironically enough, comes back in full circle from the time I began to intentionally pursue God and hence forth.

 There’s no denial that God has been extremely faithful and gracious with me over the years. From being zealously on fire for Him, operating fully in His Spirit with all sorts of miracles and manifestations one moment, then drifting off in an hypnotic rhythm of “church” while spiraling into the worldly non-sense that resulted in becoming another self justified hypocritical believer. I wasn’t truly living for God but instead got really good at looking the part while indulging in my own endeavors.

In this moment I was actually dead inside, missing my first love but too occupied with my own lusts and desires that I didn’t want to fully surrender to God. I chose my sin and dwelt in it. I was completely content there. Funny thing though…God wasn’t. Which led to this constant back and forth half way in half way out battle which took some time until I finally began to wake up and stopped being so stubborn and taking things for granted. He’s given me everything I need it’s just a matter of believing and seizing it myself.

The last three days I felt that God wanted me to give up my voice. So, I did I didn’t talk until the evening during dinner at our final destination in Shateli. I didn’t receive any super profound revelation but I did realize the difference in my countenance since it was the hardest part of the trek that I was silent. I couldn’t verbally express my agony which would have affected the others but instead in those tough moments witnessed God answer prayers almost immediately.

Onetime I was singing this worship song in my head then next thing you know everyone else begins outwardly singing that same song which helped encourage me to keep pressing forward. Another major moment was on that wretched mountain where I was practically pleading with God to pick up my back pack to relieve the pain and next thing I know my teammate Kev comes up behind me and lifts my bag up to alleviate the weight a little which helped out significantly. I just about lost it in that moment realizing again how much God truly loves and cares about the little things especially in something so small as picking up my pack thru someone else. And yet, none of this is even the icing on the cake.

Which leads to that last day in the mountains. In retrospect it was the easiest part of the entire trek. It literally was all down hill and straight eventually merging into a road. A straight shot to our final destination but yet the hardest in the form of physical fatigue and mental warfare. Up until this point God truly withheld the pain I had, especially in my right hip. As soon as we hit this final stretch my body said no. A hard no to the point that no matter how much I tried to keep up with the group I got farther and farther behind. I simply could not keep up. I was so frustrated even though it really wasn’t a big deal because all I had to do was just take one step at time and eventually I would reach the destination no matter how long it took. But, as much as I attempted this thought process it surely didn’t last that long. That is until God carried my bag for me.

 Step by crippling step I go down the final stretch home. I’ve concluded within my mind that I will keep moving forward no matter how long it takes me because I will finish. As I silently wrestle thoughts within my mind I catch up to half of the group waiting for me. That immediately killed the lie that “they’ll just keep moving on leaving me behind” but of course I knew my people better than that. We don’t leave others behind, not intentionally at least. Not too much longer we caught up with the rest of the team taking a break. Three of us kept going while they recoup then one drifts off for a pit stop leaving just Jacken and I leading the way quite a bit. 

We’re not too far from the village when Jacken and I decide to take a break just passed some road construction and to let some of our people catch up. Little did I know God was about to utterly, yet gently, wreck me. Right when Jacken and I were getting ready for the final stretch he tells me that God told him to carry my pack for about thirty minutes. Of course I silently charade in protest but to no avail he picks up my pack along with his and we proceed onward. I can’t stop praying to God how both grateful I am and to take the extra weight off of Jacken so he isn’t burden by it. Honestly I didn’t know what to think or how to respond. Literally still speechless but even in my mind I had no thoughts. Just Lord thank you but please release this burden from him. It was hard walking next to him while intentionally not surpassing him even though I had all the capability to do so. After awhile and being about another 20-30 minutes away from the village he sets the bag down and proceeds to tell me what God spoke to him during that time. 

“For a long time you believed you’ve been riding the coattails of others but no longer will you do that. I have carried that for you till now and will continue to carry it for you but you no longer operate in that matter. Instead you will pave and lead the way forward.” 

I lost it. Utterly wrecked but just when I thought that was it God literally came thru and carried the burden the rest of the way by form of a truck driving by with our people in it to drive us the last few bits into the village.

I was done.

Thoughts scrambled.

Body destroyed.

Emotions wrecked.

Spirit humbled.

I wept.

Hard.

Here I am today still sitting and processing these events and tangibly feeling the freedom of letting go of the coattails. It’s hard walking in the fullness of God and all that He has for you within a large group. It’s easy to get overshadowed, spoken over, ignored, or simply yielding to the stronger louder personality and even just ghost in a corner somewhere. But, that’s not where He wants us. I don’t crave the spot light but He’s steadily calling me into it.

There’s some heavy hard things coming my way but I’m willing to step into them because there’s no turning back. The only way is forward. That goes for you too. The only way to grow into the version of ourselves that God designed is to keep pressing in especially in the midst of the hard stuff. Jesus already has the victory we simply rest, receive, and stand in it.

This life is hard but so worth it. You’re worth it because you are wholly and dearly loved. Stop settling for the mediocre and step into true life abundantly with our amazing loving Father who wants nothing more than to share the vastness of his glory and presence with you. He wants to be with you personally, and intimately; always and forever. From Genesis to now His desire is still the same; never changing. To walk and be with the ones whom He loves. Us His beloved children.

 From coattails to freedom

I walk terrified into the unknown before me

yet confident

in the One who calls me.